29 weeks

Taken

I watched a movie yesterday afternoon that really upset me, "Taken". I should have known not to watch it, I knew that it would be intense when I went to see it, but Jimmy and I haven't been out in so long that I knew I couldn't say no and stay at home. But I had no idea what it was about. I'd never heard of it when we went to see it and the description we were given was "A man's daughter gets kidnapped and he goes to rescue her." Which was true technically, what this friend neglected to say was, "A man's teenage daughter gets kidnapped overseas and sold into the human sex trafficking trade and he goes to rescue her." If I had known that I would never have gone to see it. I'm too emotionally unstable and hormonal right now to handle anything like that. I shouldn't be watching anything more intense then Winnie the Pooh! 

The thing that struck me about this movie was the sheer number of evil men involved in this trade. They come in all levels and with a variety of roles but they all have this one thing in common. They KNOW what is happening and they are participating in it for their benefit. From the government officials who look the other way so they can fatten their paychecks to the men who do the kidnapping to the men who guard the girls to keep them from escaping to the men who inject them with drugs to make them more easily controllable to the men who pay to rape them. And in the movie they portray men who pay a handful of dollars for a half hour in a filthy little stall to men who "buy" their girls at auction for many hundreds of thousands of dollars. Money goes out of the hands of one man and into the hands of another man and the girls are raped. How can there be that many men in this world who condone this practice? Surely there is someone who has found out about this repulsive practice and tried to stop it. Surely there's even someone who has paid to see a girl and then been shocked to see her deteriorating condition and took pity on her. It shakes me to my core to think that there are that many heartless people out there. That many men who are deaf to the shrieking, the terror, and blind to the deterioration and ultimate death of these women.

I can only hope that somewhere out there there are governments not willing to be bribed, and policemen not willing to look the other way. That someone somewhere is doing everything they can to put a stop to this. But if I have my way I will never have to watch it again.

Church

This week at church Eric was playing the guitar. We sang our usual round of older and newer praise songs with some hymns mixed in (the hymns are always my favorite... there's nothing like singing an old hymn with the newer sound of praise guitar). Jimmy was working so I was sitting alone and as I sang I was filled with the most powerful emotions of gratefulness and sorrow. Of conviction and shame. 

The words to the songs were convicting me of God's love and sacrifice for me and my shame came from my lack of appreciation for that sacrifice... and my obviously backwards priorities that I would let anything at all come before my relationship with God. 

But on top of that I was thinking of my baby girl and how she can hear now and I was wondering if she was enjoying the sound of the guitars too. And I closed my eyes and sang to one of the hymns and I could hear the voices of young people like me all around me singing God's praises together. And my sense of gratefulness was to God for bringing me here to experience the sweetness of this fellowship. To know the joy of worshiping God with all my heart among others like me. But with it was a sense of loss because I can already feel that I'm on my way out of here. That this church will soon no longer be mine, but it will belong to the others I will leave behind me. And all of this emotion was intertwined with a fear for myself, and even more for my baby girl that we will never find this kind of sweet fellowship anywhere else. 

I trust God that he will provide for my needs wherever I go. And maybe it's time for me to grow up past the need for this church. It's time for me to step out in faith and move on. But like the warm cozy feeling in the early morning when I'm waking up, I find myself reluctant to leave the comfort and security of "The Passage" (for those who don't know, that's the name of my church). But like getting up in the morning, maybe I need to step out of here if I'm going to get anything done during the day!

The Scarlet Letter

I have just begun to read "The Scarlet Letter" again. It amazes me every time I read it how much it moves me. So I decided to share it with you, and if any of you want to read it with me and comment on here then please join me!

Nathaniel Hawthorne was writing this book long before Freud or before anyone started to think about the psychological factors that rule our lives. Yet he managed to create characters so deep and moving, and so motivated by powerful psychological factors, he was way ahead of his time. I've only read the first four chapters and already there are two parts that really stuck out to me. I want to share them with you, but first I'll give you a brief summary of the three main characters:

Hester Prynne: She is a young and beautiful woman living in this Puritan town. She was once married to a much older man, a man she openly did not love. Her husband sent her from England on ahead of him to the Puritan colony, and she has lived there for over two years without hearing from him. Everyone assumes that he has died at sea. Hester has just given birth to a baby girl, named Pearl, but refuses to tell the townspeople the name of the father. Her punishment is that she will be forced to wear a scarlet letter "A" on her "bosom" till the end of her life. "A" presumably stands for "Adultress."

The Reverend Dimmesdale: A young and very well respected English clergymen, and the reverend of the local church. He is also the secret father of Pearl and lover of Hester. He is tortured in his soul far more than Hester by being forced to remain silent while she endures the scorn and distain of the townspeople.

Roger Chillingworth: Hester's long lost husband who turns up on the day of her humiliation. He makes Hester swear that she will not reveal to anyone that he is her husband and swears that he will find the identity of Pearl's father if it takes the rest of his life.

So let me share with you my two favorite parts from the first 4 chapters. The first is just one line. As Hester emerges from the jail for the first time wearing her Scarlet letter she has bravely embroidered it with beautiful gold thread and spent much time making the embroidery complicated and beautiful. The women of the town are horrified and begin commenting on how she has made a mockery of the punishment, but one woman speaks up in her defense and it breaks my heart what she says, 

"'Oh, peace, neighbors, peace!' whispered their youngest companion; 'do not let her hear you! Not a stitch in that embroidered letter, but she has felt it in her heart.'"

My second favorite part is the scene where the whole town is assembled to witness Hester's shame. A famous Reverend from a nearby town has dragged the unwilling Reverend Dimmesdale with him and has charged him in front of the whole assembly to force Hester to reveal the name of her secret lover. He has no choice but to speak to her in front of everyone. I imagine them looking into each other's eyes from whatever distance, their eyes speaking volumes. He tortured as much as she. What he says is so incredible!

"The Reverend Mr. Dimmesdale bent his head, in silent prayer, as it seemed, and then he came forward. 'Hester Prynne,' said he, leaning over the balcony and looking steadfastly into her eyes, 'thou hearest what this good man says, and seest the accountability under which I labor. If thou feelest it to be for thy soul's peace, and that thy earthly punishment will therby be made more effectual to salvation, I charge thee to speak out the name of thy fellow-sinner and fellow-sufferer! Be not silent from any mistaken pity and tenderness for him; for, believe me, Hester, though he were to step down from a high place, and stand there beside thee, on thy pedestal of shame, yet better were it so, than to hide a guilty heart through life. What can thy silence do for him, except it tempt him--yea, compel him, as it were--to add hipocracy to sin? Heaven hath granted thee an open ignominy, that thereby thou mayest work out an open triumph over the evil within thee, and the sorrow without. Take heed how thou deniest to him--who, perchance, hath not the courage to grasp it for himself--the bitter, but wholesome, cup that is now presented to thy lips!'"

Isn't that incredible?!

Jimmy

I am so blessed to be married to Jimmy. Last night when we were swimming I bought a pair of goggles and I was delighted how well I could see under the water. At one point I was swimming in the middle of the pool and I looked under the water at Jimmy. As soon as he noticed I was watching him he started making funny poses under the water, as if he were meditating or karate chopping or whatever. I was laughing so hard I came up spluttering. And it suddenly occurred to me that those small moments are the moments I would miss if we were ever parted. I am just as much in love with this man as I was the day we got married and my heart aches with it sometimes so I wish he could feel the deepness of my love for him. I'm such a lucky girl!

swimming

I went swimming last night in the Andrews pool. I felt so light and free! I twirled and bounced in the water and thoroughly enjoyed feeling weightless. It was wonderful! And I know the heavier I get, the better it will feel.

my first glimpse... the last chapter

So that summer, the summer of 2005, I came home for a few weeks to visit my parents before I started taking summer classes at Walla Walla. Jimmy was there and I was there and there’s not many people I’m friends with my age in my hometown so we decided that we would get together and go see a movie or something. My sister went with us to a movie… I still wasn’t considering Jimmy as a possible romantic investment, he was SOOOO far out of my league after all. But we had a good time. In the parking lot after the movie we all said that we had a good time and we should do it again, blah blah, but the Erin piped up and said that she was going out of town to visit some friends in Southern California. I got suddenly embarrassed. I realized, Jimmy might think that I wanted a DATE with him… and he would get all embarrassed too and have to tell me he wasn’t interested and then things would get all unnecessarily complicated etc etc… So we ducked out and went home.

I didn’t think too much about it until later when Jimmy called to ask if we were still planning to get together. And for the first time I began to have a glimmer of hope that he might actually LIKE me! So we went out to dinner at a nice Chinese place in town and then to the movie. But the movie hadn’t started yet so we contemplated what to do. It was raining, but we went for a walk anyway, all around the closed businesses near the theater that evening in the dark. We both got soaked, but it was so romantic, walking in the drizzle talking, feeling the sparks and the intensity and trepidation of the beginnings of a relationship.

From that point it seemed to move quickly. I knew from the beginning that he was it. If I could, I would marry this one. I had wondered and pondered for a few past boyfriends the uncertain question… is he the one? But with Jimmy I knew right away. If by some miracle he would have me, then I would marry him in an instant. I went back to Walla Walla and took my summer class. Jimmy and I talked on the phone every day, and some days we talked up to 8 and 10 hours at once. It seems so excessive to me now, but then it was necessary. That month I used up all the hours on my family’s plan, and all the rollover minutes our family had saved up since we had started the plan! Then, through a financial mix-up I ended up going to PUC instead of Walla Walla for my senior year of college. I was fine with that, I loved PUC as much as I loved Walla Walla and PUC had the added benefit of being in close proximity to Jimmy!

After dating 5 months, both Jimmy and I knew it was right. He made me a beautiful wooden box (that I still cherish) and gave it to me in October or November. Then we went to Hawaii with my family for Christmas. On Christmas Eve he took me up on a tall mountain in Hawaii that overlooked the city and the sea beyond. There he pulled out the box, which to my surprise, had a secret compartment where the ring was hidden, as well as a plaque that said, “Lindsey will you marry me?” And the happiest chapter of my life (my marriage to Jimmy… in case that wasn’t clear…) began.