Church

This week at church Eric was playing the guitar. We sang our usual round of older and newer praise songs with some hymns mixed in (the hymns are always my favorite... there's nothing like singing an old hymn with the newer sound of praise guitar). Jimmy was working so I was sitting alone and as I sang I was filled with the most powerful emotions of gratefulness and sorrow. Of conviction and shame. 

The words to the songs were convicting me of God's love and sacrifice for me and my shame came from my lack of appreciation for that sacrifice... and my obviously backwards priorities that I would let anything at all come before my relationship with God. 

But on top of that I was thinking of my baby girl and how she can hear now and I was wondering if she was enjoying the sound of the guitars too. And I closed my eyes and sang to one of the hymns and I could hear the voices of young people like me all around me singing God's praises together. And my sense of gratefulness was to God for bringing me here to experience the sweetness of this fellowship. To know the joy of worshiping God with all my heart among others like me. But with it was a sense of loss because I can already feel that I'm on my way out of here. That this church will soon no longer be mine, but it will belong to the others I will leave behind me. And all of this emotion was intertwined with a fear for myself, and even more for my baby girl that we will never find this kind of sweet fellowship anywhere else. 

I trust God that he will provide for my needs wherever I go. And maybe it's time for me to grow up past the need for this church. It's time for me to step out in faith and move on. But like the warm cozy feeling in the early morning when I'm waking up, I find myself reluctant to leave the comfort and security of "The Passage" (for those who don't know, that's the name of my church). But like getting up in the morning, maybe I need to step out of here if I'm going to get anything done during the day!