Money is a touchy subject, but it has been on my mind lately as Jimmy and I prepare for me to quit my job in just a few weeks. We are burdened under student loans and we have an extremely tight budget that leaves very little money for anything extra. Even things like going to the doctor when we're sick are considered very seriously before we go because of the extra expense. And we're just starting the process of moving from a our house into an apartment to save money on rent.
Of course, I try to tell myself that compared to most of the world I am fabulously wealthy, and I try to tell myself that we have everything we need, a home to live in, clothes on our backs, food to eat, and a steady job for my husband. God has blessed us greatly. But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. I know it's incredibly selfish, but I wish we had a nice house with a yard for my kids to play in, with a swingset and a perfectly manicured lawn for picnics. With neighbors who were far enough away that they didn't care if our dogs bark. I wish I had money enough to buy nice things for everyone who is having a baby or getting married or having a birthday. And I want to buy cute things for my kids, nice big toys and new clothes.
But lately I've begun to see my lack of money as a blessing from God. God says in the bible that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to attain heaven. I always thought that was kind of unfair. Just because you have money doesn't mean you can't love the Lord right?
And yet, my skepticism about that verse is fading away as I get older and see many wealthy families, some of whom I envied as a child, have kids who, as adults, reject God's path and the church in general. Not all of them, but many. Maybe growing up with less is better than growing up with more?
"But Lord," I argue in my prayers, "wouldn't I be responsible as a wealthy person to raise my children in Your way?" But would I really? How many times have I wanted to buy something for my child and been unable to because I couldn't afford it. Would I really have the willpower to teach my children the hard lesson of not getting what they want all the time if I could afford to get it? Maybe sometimes I could, but certainly not as often as I am forced to do now.
And what about their clothes? Sometimes when I take my child to church or to a birthday party I feel embarrassed that her clothes are obviously hand-me-downs, or well worn. And don't even get me started on Jimmy's clothes. If he owns one t-shirt that doesn't have holes then I don't know about it. And I personally have a meltdown every Sabbath morning because I have nothing acceptable to wear to church. (To be fair, part of the reason I have nothing to wear is I am in-between sizes due to my recent pregnancy). Can I really wear the same pair of pants to work all week and then again Sabbath morning?
And the answer is... yes. I can. And I do.
So my conclusion is this. I would be an irresponsible wealthy person. I would give myself and my family all the nice things because I could. And we would not learn the lesson of deprivation. And we would not learn to deny ourselves the things we want. And we would not learn to distinguish between wants and needs. And we would not learn the lesson of humility.
Therefore God has blessed me with a modest income.
Thank you God, for giving me what I need... instead of what I want. Amen.
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2 comments:
I totally relate to this post. Andy and I have trimmed down our lives significantly. As your parents can attest, we sold more than half our belongings when we moved here. We live on a shoestring budget. We are poor but I'm home with the kids and we are happy being all together. We are fed, clothed (even if it is from second hand stores), and we are able to keep our house clean easier because it's smaller! I'm right there with you, kiddo!
Your attitude about this is amazing. I remember back when I was younger, the child of a single mother, smallest house or apartment out of everyone I knew, and my mom said, "As long as I can have pretty curtains I can make any house a home." Paulo and I have been blessed with good jobs, but we have both come from families that struggled (his much more than mine, as they were in Brazil when the government collapsed several times in his life). I think that because of the attitude of our parents we have learned many great things about the difference between wants and needs, and the actual role of money in our lives. I am grateful for the opportunities we have today, yet at the same time, I am INCREDIBLY grateful that I grew up knowing how to "thin the beans". Your children will learn so much from watching you, so keep this attitude, even when it is difficult to maintain. Continue to give thanks in all things, just as you are, and trust in the fact that God is ALWAYS faithful.
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