Usually she gets hungry, I try to feed her and we spend between 5 and 20 minutes with her screaming and me trying to calm her down long enough to get latched on (and that's WITH the nipple shield too). Then she nurses for about 45 minutes... sometimes she nurses for as long as an hour and a half. She almost always stops nursing because she falls asleep. She will be hungry again in about 45-90 minutes. Then we have to start the whole routine over again. We have been doing this for almost 2 months.
So I began to have the suspicion that she was never getting a full tummy from nursing. So I decided to do an experiment. Yesterday I pumped my milk and fed it to her in a bottle the whole day. She did the same thing that she did in the car. It only takes her about 15 minutes to down 3 1/2 ounces from a bottle. But to my surprise... she wanted to eat that much about every 2 hours and by the end of the day I was just completely and totally out of milk. I had pumped every last drop that I had and she was screaming from hunger. And I had the horrible realization that as she's gotten bigger and her appetite has increased, her (lack of) ability to suck has not improved and she's been getting hungrier and hungrier. She hasn't been starving, but she's never sated either. It's much harder to get milk out of a breast then out of a bottle.
So last night I cried as I fed her a bottle of formula. I cried because I swore I would never give formula to my baby, and I cried because I felt so bad that she's been hungry for so long without me knowing it, but mostly I cried because as she looked up at me with her perfect round eyes I experienced a kind of intimacy with her that I have never experienced in our battle with breastfeeding. And I cried because all my preconceived ideas about how to care for her have been wrong and I knew even as I cried that this was the right thing for us. The BEST thing for me and for her.
So on Friday I'm going to Babies R Us to buy a mechanical breast pump and I'm doing everything I know how to do to increase my milk supply so that I never again have to feed her formula. And I know this is right... but I'm still crying...
2 comments:
Lindz, I read this the other day and didn't have a moment to respond. But I wanted to tell you that as I read, I was struck by what a beautiful mother you are. You are doing such a wonderful job.
I know it must be so hard to lose something you've dreamed about, and felt so sure of. I hope the peace you feel about KNOWING you're doing what is right and best for your daughter is deeper than that sense of loss. Even though you must grieve that breast feeding is not all you wanted it to be, I hope you have such joy in your daughter's peace.
I'm super, super proud of you, Lindsey. These are such rich and intense days for you, and you're doing amazingly. You are the very best mother your daughter could ever need. I absolutely love watching you with a DAUGHTER.
I'm praying for you.
You don't know me but I happened to come across your blog from Elizabeth's. I used to work for Don James while my husband attended seminary and my husband was a cell leader, coach and associate pastor with the Passage. Now he pastors a church here in HI and works as an Army Chaplain (I see your husband is doing the same - go Army!)
Anyhow your BF post spoke to me and I wanted to give you some encouragement. I have a 14 month old son and went through very similar trials with him. Being a pastor's wife we often feel pressure to BF as long as we can - I very well planned on BF for the first year. Around 5 weeks we introduced a bottle of BM and he much preferred the bottle. For the next 2 months I continued to stress myself out over BFing him. And I mean stress out - cry, get angry, everything. Then I realized it's just not worth it. BF is supposed to be a awesome, intimate time with your baby but it just wasn't happening with Nathan so I began pumping. I terrible guilt over it, but then I started making small goals - 3 months of BM, 4 and so on. That way each month that we got through I had a sense of accomplishment rather than disappointment. I ended up giving him BM for 11 months. When I had to switch to formula I had tremendous mommy-guilt once again, but he did just fine with formula. And honestly with not having to pump anymore and the ease of formula I got over it.
But regarding pumping - get a good pump, and pump often, even if it means waking up in the early morning (when you're producing more). It's definitely a lot of work - I think I read 5-7 times a day is preferred. Kellymom.com is a great site for BFing info. Steel-cut oatmeal can help increase supply, and many health food stores carry Mother's Milk tea which has fenugreek in it, which also increases supply.
It sounds like you're an awesome mother - you so want the best for your daughter. Try not to be bothered by what others say (one pastor's wife told me pumping just wasn't the same and almost looked down on me for it) - only YOU know what's best for your child. And above all, give it to God. We as mother's try to do all we can for our children, but God knows better than anyone what they need and will carry us through the journey. Good luck, and God Bless.
-Elana
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